A little more than two decades in this world, I have a bag full of learnings and realisations, some about myself, some of the decisions I have made, some are observations, and some are just the experience of living these many years. One of the few things that I have often struggled with, is to maintain a balance. Be it between personal and professional life, be it with friendships and relationships, be it with hobbies and activities… pretty much everything. I am guilty of swaying in extremes. I think, all of us are at some point in life, I still am. I am at a stage in life where everything around me is changing rapidly, it is almost like reliving my early teens. Unlike the teens, these changes are more permanent, these feelings are for the long term.
I am not sure if it is all of you, but I have definitely struggled with friendships. I have friends. I have a 2 A.M. friend, I have a ‘keep me grounded’ friend, I have a friend that others think is my friend but I know he/she isn’t my friend. So, yeah, basically, I do have a friend circle, I have a close knit, tight group of people I know I can fall back on. This post, it’s about the other set of friends, It is for people who I have met in this course of life, whatever little I have lived till now, and surprisingly, the number of these friends is a lot. It is like the social circle, I guess. But off late, this group, or social circle, or friends, for a simpler reference, has got me thinking… It has got me thinking about myself. What should we expect from a group of ‘just friends’? Do we talk to them often? Do we keep ourselves updated with what’s happening in their lives? Do we keep them informed about our lives? I don’t know.
There was a time that I was in touch with a large group of people. I used to meet them often, we used to hang out, I used to text them, chat with them, call them, and so on… but then I started expecting the same. It never reciprocated. The loving statuses on facebook, the emotional photo captions, the overflowing emoticons, they all just became a hurtful reminder for me, they reminded me of the time and effort I invested in a friendship that was probably always superficial. From then on, I detached myself and to my surprise, that too didn’t go down well. I am still judged for ‘not keeping in touch’, almost as of it is just my duty. However, this detachment, it is probably one of the best gifts I have given to myself in the longest possible time. Absolutely no regrets there. Recently, though, a lot of this has started affecting me. I have been thinking about how and where do things change? Do they happen with all of us? Or was it just me?
Moving to a new city makes you realise a lot many things. It teaches you so much more about life than you can ever possibly imagine. It opens up a whole new perspective. If nothing else, it makes you realise who matters. We all expect. I am no different, I do too, but a physical distance made me realise how emotionally distant I was from this group of ‘just friends’. It wasn’t just me being distant, it was them too. Their words raised my expectations, their actions punched me in my gut. The occasional social media interactions would tell a different tale, but then, social media is a just a part of the entire story, probably just a para out of the entire novel.
Letting go is probably one of the biggest and the hardest ‘adulting’ lesson. I don’t think I have been able to master that yet. When I look around, I don’t think anyone of us has, not even my parents! We humans, we crave to be heard, to be noticed, and we do it in our own ways. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Solitude is a choice, loneliness is a punishment. When we feel that we are being left out, we agitate. We try to force our ways in, pretty much what this write up is doing. But then, there is only so much you can hold inside of you, you need to vent it out, not for anyone else but for yourself.
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